what i mean to say is
that there’s this something
that lurks in on ya
and just sticks around
and you know
does stuff

it mixes things up
kind of
it’s just
it’s hard to explain

you know when
you’re at the grocery store
in the middle of the night
and everyone looks like zombies
zombies in pajamas and burkas
and yoga pants buying cigarettes
or a carton of ice cream
or trying to stealthily purchase condoms
from the self-checkout

underneath the fish tank lights
you know
security guard at the door
someone is pondering the mystery
of the gatorade end cap
you feel it then
that loneliness that makes you feel not alone
it tugs at your heart strings
and if you’re me you hurry up and purchase your
something stupid
maybe incense and toilet paper
or a lean cuisine
but you buy it all
and you go to the liquor store
and you pick out some beer
and you go to the register guy
and you take turns pulling your
conversation pull-strings
my night is fine, and yours?
and no you don’t need a receipt
and you’re home
television off just sitting on the couch
thinking about stuff
and if you’re me you wish you would have
hugged everyone but at the time
you were convinced no one would talk to you
because of your resting bitchy face
which may actually not exist
but what i’m saying is
there is something there
something that can’t be written down
something kind of odd and beautiful
creepy slash off-putting
it’s like a b-movie
and no you’re not the star
you’re an extra
but that’s exciting
that’s really fucking cool
because you’ve never been an extra in a b-movie
and you look around
and all these people are extras in b-movies
but they’re secretly ninjas
and so the fuck are you
and that’s why your gut writhes in the daylight
in the moonlight the sunlight the black light
the grocery store fish bowl lights
your guts writhes
because you wish to be a ninja
but you can’t find your god damn nunchaku
and neither can all these other ninjas
pretending to be extras in a b-movie



i was crippled by what i saw around me
a world that i so badly wanted to call foreign
but i knew in truth it was i that was foreign
i looked at my hands like they were someone else’s
as i trudged on through the immaculate city
lights all around me
i felt as though something was looking down on me
i felt the strangest of sunbeams
and the giant camera of god
zoomed down onto my separate story
i was living in the garden of the future
time moved forward i was engulfed in dream
i’d seen it before when i’d closed my eyes
the realization that you are in a singular moment
and everywhere at the same time
there was a swarm of birds living in my stomach
i was living in the garden of the future
my heart beats distant and echoed
my eyes like gamma rays
i spun out of control
it was everything they said it would be
it was what i’d imagined
vast and quiet
a single frequency of white noise
volcanoes in the distance like stone lions
at a doorway

i woke up in a dream of the future
and as i looked around at the dunes of my fears
as i wandered in singularity through the forest of my hope
i realized this was no garden of the future
this was the shadow of the past behind me
and in that moment i mourned the death of the moment
in that moment i mourned the death of me



like two in the morning or something
i couldn’t sleep so i called up God
and was all like “hey God, do you want
to meet up for some coffee?” and God
of course obliged me like always so we’re
sitting around Denny’s drinking shitty coffee
talking when i ask God “is destiny a thing?”
and God says “yes,” and i say “that’s kind of
a bummer,” and God says “well, i don’t think
that doesn’t mean you can’t be proud of the
decisions you make,” and i say “i guess,” and
then there’s an awkward pause, the waitress
comes by refills our coffees and we sip in
silence and then i say “alright, God,
what number am i thinking of?” God says 3.
it was 3. What am I thinking now? God says
i’m thinking about destiny and i was like
well yeah okay that might not have been the
best approach and then i took the salt shaker
unscrewed the lid and poured the entire thing
of salt into my cup of coffee. God says
“why did you do that?” and i say “you seem
surprised. i thought you knew that i was going
to do that? wasn’t it part of my destiny?”
and God was like “no! that just came out of
nowhere,” and seemed perplexed. i think God
would have turned to God for answers in that
moment if that made any sense. and then i held
God’s hand and i said look. i know what they say.
man plans and God laughs and that’s beautiful
but sometimes we just take the car off cruise
control and we start driving off the road in the middle of nebraska
and we’re pushing through the corn fields
and doing donuts and blasting dizzy gillespie
and it makes no damn sense and no one could have
seen it coming, not even you, i’m sorry, but that’s
why i put the salt in the coffee because some things
weren’t written. some things happen that weren’t meant
to happen and those things were meant to happen but
not in the sense that everyone saw it coming because
sometimes no one sees it coming. even you, God. sometimes
it’s brutal and vicious hard work or a spark to the heart
and it’s raw and honest and it’s tangental and that tangent
shoots off into space like a monkey in an astronaut suit
and it forms a new monkey planet with a new monkey God
who too will have a moment of awe when realizing that your
children are not you. they break the rules in the name of
something. love or change or dizzy gillespie but yes. it’s
a thing that happens and it’ll catch us all off guard and
then the waitress stole the cash in the register, took off
her apron and busted out the door into the cold night.



i am enchanted in waiting
i make sandwiches
run rubber erasers across paper
i draw a dot drawing of your face
made up of one million dots
congregating to form my memory of you
as you are gone
lost at a crossroads
i worship your shadow
realizing not even the sun
can capture you

i understand you may never happen
you may get lost in a whirlwind
me lost in another whirlwind
not a single raindrop of intersectionality
but we can hope adjacent whirlwinds
i like your whirlwind adjacent to mine

i send you short love letters
you send me love
my tongue is colloidal silver sure
but my heart is stained blue
and meanwhile yours is an open locket
mine need crowbar mine need leverage
maybe your leverage the best leverage
of your hand on mine on the crowbar

i drive in circles in a rectangle state
i listen to andrea gibsons breaths in my car
i dream of you counting her breaths beside me
driving in circles in a rectangle state
love is sometimes
that’s it sorry
love is sometimes and i am saturday morning
poem leaking faucet
and the faucet keeps leaking
and some nights it keeps me up
with its potential to change
but most nights the fact it is there
is enough to put me to sleep
in your arms
which may or may not be